Last Sunday, my daughter came home crying from Young Women's. She was very upset. My daughter and I talked about what happened. I was very upset.
Usually when I am upset I eat, eat, and eat some more. However last Sunday I didn't try to drown my anger in food. I did great until Thursday, I was still upset. I ate way to much food that day. And then I ate more food and then more. I was pretty disappointed in myself.
When I recognized what I was doing, I stopped eating. I believe the Lord helped me to see what I was doing with food that night.
Today I am fasting. I have prayed for help towards recovery.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Gum
Last night I was at Walmart getting things for the kids. When I went to check out I really, lots of reallys, wanted to buy a candy bar. It was after 9pm - so I told myself to buy gum instead. I did. I bought the gum. For me that is a better choice, because I can still chew without all the sugar and caffine into my body late at night. The funny part is that I didn't even open the gum last night!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
One night success
I talked with my therapist yesterday about my eating in bed. She suggested that I find something else to do that keeps my mind and hands busy before bed. So last night I did several word search puzzles. My mind still wandered to food, but I put myself on track. The night was a success - I did not eat anything in bed (after I went to bed, I didn't get up to eat either). I get a gold star for this one!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Starting over
I am now home from vacation. Craig and Jordan left for scout campt the day after I got home. So the loneliness for my husaband is still there.
Today I finally threw away some of the snacks that I had been eating. I have constantly been eating for two days, since Craig left.
I am the only one that controlls what goes into my mouth. I want to gain controll of my thoughts of food. Thinking about positives in my realtionship would help instead of how much I miss Craig. I will try this to help me control the unhealthy food that enters my mouth!
Today I finally threw away some of the snacks that I had been eating. I have constantly been eating for two days, since Craig left.
I am the only one that controlls what goes into my mouth. I want to gain controll of my thoughts of food. Thinking about positives in my realtionship would help instead of how much I miss Craig. I will try this to help me control the unhealthy food that enters my mouth!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Loneliness
I have been on vacation for 5 days in Utah. I brought my four youngest kids with me. We will be here for another 2 1/2 weeks. I am glad to be here and we have had a good trip thus far.
However I am very lonely for Craig. So I have been eating at night while I read. This is a real patteren for me. I need to change my thought process when I am lonely. No matter how much I eat, the food will not fill up the loneliness that I am feeling.
However I am very lonely for Craig. So I have been eating at night while I read. This is a real patteren for me. I need to change my thought process when I am lonely. No matter how much I eat, the food will not fill up the loneliness that I am feeling.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Obessed
Over the past few months I have realized that I am obesses with weight. My weight as well as other peoples weight. I look at obese people and think "If I don't change my unhealthy eating, I am going to look like them." A couple of weeks ago at disney I was watching moms with their children. I remember thinking, "I don't want to be fat and miserable when Addison is old enough to enjoy disney. I want to enjoy it with her."
I shared this with my therapist, Donna. Donna told me that I need to stop looking at how huge I am getting and make a plan. So together we made a plan for me to follow. The plan is to continue walking daily (except Sun.), use a salad plate for meals, drink 8 oz. of water before each meal, eat more fresh veggies and fruits. At my therapy appointments, twice monthly, we will look at how I am doing.
Donna also told me to look at my successes daily. Focus on what I am doing right.
Making these changes is hard, but I am doing something daily!!
I shared this with my therapist, Donna. Donna told me that I need to stop looking at how huge I am getting and make a plan. So together we made a plan for me to follow. The plan is to continue walking daily (except Sun.), use a salad plate for meals, drink 8 oz. of water before each meal, eat more fresh veggies and fruits. At my therapy appointments, twice monthly, we will look at how I am doing.
Donna also told me to look at my successes daily. Focus on what I am doing right.
Making these changes is hard, but I am doing something daily!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Why
I realized about two years ago that I have a food addiction. I use food (sweets and junk food) to provide what I do not get elsewhere. Even though I have known about my food addiction, it has been recently that I have learned to understand it.
I started relying on chocolate after my fourth baby (Nov. 1999). I didn't know then that I had postpardum depression. I ate a bag of mini chocolate bars daily to help me "cope" and get through the day. My brother-in-law came to visit us. He and I talked about his addiction to drugs that he was trying overcome. As I listened to him talk I realized that I had an addiction to chocolate, but didn't know why. I was using chocolate the in same way that my brother-in-law was using street drugs. I remember being in shock with this realization. Later I confessed to Searls (my late husband) that I had a problem. He was very supportive. Searls no longer brought chocolate home and did not eat it in front of me. It was hard for me to not eat chocolate anymore, but I did it.
About a year after cutting chocolate from my diet we added a new baby girl, Raeleigh, to our family (Apr. 2001). Postpartum depression set in hard. I hid the depression from Searls and my sister, Nancy, who was living with us at the time. Morgan, my oldest, was seven years old and the mom of the family while I took Raeleigh and slept most of the day. I would get up just in time for Searls to come home from work and pretend that everything was okay.
Three or four months of this routine took its toll. I finally told Searls what was going on. I started seeing a counselor for depression. Counseling helped very little. A couple months went by and I realized that I needed more help. My doctor prescribed an antidepressant for me. Life started to take shape again for me and my family.
I felt like me again. I was happy and enjoyed my life and family for the first time in many months. Life was good as long as I took my medication. Until we moved to Florida (Aug. 2002).
For me Florida was a very lonely place. After being in Florida only a few weeks my medication was not enough to help me stay on top. All the signs of depression were in my life again. I did not recognize the signs. Once again I began to rely on food inappropiately. Food became the catalyst to take me away. Food is what I relied on to get me through the misery, loneliness, starting a new beginning and many other changes.
Again I worked through my inappropiate use of food, without realizing that I had an addiction problem. Life was once again happy with just the help of an antidepressant.
Sept. 2004 brought another huge change, my husband passed away. Of course I went back to relying on food to get me through. I ate all day. Food also became my bedtime companion. I took food to bed with me and would eat my loneliness away until I fell asleep. Night time eating continued for about six months. I gained control over food at night, but lost all control during the day.
I told myself that if I didn't hide food than it was okay to eat whatever I wanted. So all the food came out in the open. I started to put on weight and so did my kids. I no longer even fixed healthy meals - quick, easy foods became our family norm. I also associted eating with every emotion, no longer did I just use food when I felt down.
Dec. 2005 I married Craig. Remarring was a beautiful blessing. Remarring also brought many changes into my life. I conitnued to use food inappropitely.
Food was always there. I thought food: did not talk back, roll its eyes, walk away, give me the silent treatment or hurt me. I was so wrong - inappropiate use of food has done all of these things to me. Everyday I look in the mirror and see the extra weight I have put on food is talking back to me. Food rolls its eyes at me when my children say "You don't understand because you are overweight." Food has walked away from me, because I no longer get the satisfaction from eating emotionally. Food has given me the silent treatment from the beginning of my choice to use it inappropiately. Silent treatment in the negative effects taking years to be noticed in my life, but being there from the beginning.
Now it is 2010 and I have been aware that my food use is an addiction. I want to rid myself of this addiction. I want to use food to fuel my body, not to destroy it. I am attending an addiction recovery group weekly. I am walking for exercise to work of some of the weight I have gained. I am more aware of what I am eating and trying to eat more responsibily.
I started relying on chocolate after my fourth baby (Nov. 1999). I didn't know then that I had postpardum depression. I ate a bag of mini chocolate bars daily to help me "cope" and get through the day. My brother-in-law came to visit us. He and I talked about his addiction to drugs that he was trying overcome. As I listened to him talk I realized that I had an addiction to chocolate, but didn't know why. I was using chocolate the in same way that my brother-in-law was using street drugs. I remember being in shock with this realization. Later I confessed to Searls (my late husband) that I had a problem. He was very supportive. Searls no longer brought chocolate home and did not eat it in front of me. It was hard for me to not eat chocolate anymore, but I did it.
About a year after cutting chocolate from my diet we added a new baby girl, Raeleigh, to our family (Apr. 2001). Postpartum depression set in hard. I hid the depression from Searls and my sister, Nancy, who was living with us at the time. Morgan, my oldest, was seven years old and the mom of the family while I took Raeleigh and slept most of the day. I would get up just in time for Searls to come home from work and pretend that everything was okay.
Three or four months of this routine took its toll. I finally told Searls what was going on. I started seeing a counselor for depression. Counseling helped very little. A couple months went by and I realized that I needed more help. My doctor prescribed an antidepressant for me. Life started to take shape again for me and my family.
I felt like me again. I was happy and enjoyed my life and family for the first time in many months. Life was good as long as I took my medication. Until we moved to Florida (Aug. 2002).
For me Florida was a very lonely place. After being in Florida only a few weeks my medication was not enough to help me stay on top. All the signs of depression were in my life again. I did not recognize the signs. Once again I began to rely on food inappropiately. Food became the catalyst to take me away. Food is what I relied on to get me through the misery, loneliness, starting a new beginning and many other changes.
Again I worked through my inappropiate use of food, without realizing that I had an addiction problem. Life was once again happy with just the help of an antidepressant.
Sept. 2004 brought another huge change, my husband passed away. Of course I went back to relying on food to get me through. I ate all day. Food also became my bedtime companion. I took food to bed with me and would eat my loneliness away until I fell asleep. Night time eating continued for about six months. I gained control over food at night, but lost all control during the day.
I told myself that if I didn't hide food than it was okay to eat whatever I wanted. So all the food came out in the open. I started to put on weight and so did my kids. I no longer even fixed healthy meals - quick, easy foods became our family norm. I also associted eating with every emotion, no longer did I just use food when I felt down.
Dec. 2005 I married Craig. Remarring was a beautiful blessing. Remarring also brought many changes into my life. I conitnued to use food inappropitely.
Food was always there. I thought food: did not talk back, roll its eyes, walk away, give me the silent treatment or hurt me. I was so wrong - inappropiate use of food has done all of these things to me. Everyday I look in the mirror and see the extra weight I have put on food is talking back to me. Food rolls its eyes at me when my children say "You don't understand because you are overweight." Food has walked away from me, because I no longer get the satisfaction from eating emotionally. Food has given me the silent treatment from the beginning of my choice to use it inappropiately. Silent treatment in the negative effects taking years to be noticed in my life, but being there from the beginning.
Now it is 2010 and I have been aware that my food use is an addiction. I want to rid myself of this addiction. I want to use food to fuel my body, not to destroy it. I am attending an addiction recovery group weekly. I am walking for exercise to work of some of the weight I have gained. I am more aware of what I am eating and trying to eat more responsibily.
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